By: Johanna Marano March 26, 2017
To His Ex,
You and I have never met, but I have heard about you. He would mention you every now and then during our conversations. Sometimes I wondered if he did it just to be clear that he was in a relationship. Maybe it was meant for me or maybe more so to himself. Or maybe it was just because you were relevant to what we were talking about. I don’t think the later was always true, but who knows.
Personally, I hope that you and I never meet. Seeing you will just be a reminder of how badly you broke his heart. Do you have any idea what you actually did? If the relationship wasn’t working out for you, why didn’t you just tell him? After all these years you spent with him, you couldn’t get up the courage to talk to him? Sure it would have been difficult, but how could that have ever been worse than what you actually did? Did you think he wasn’t going to find out?
Instead, he caught you cheating and it shattered his world. You were his everything. He had his whole future planned out and it was with you. Now that’s gone and he needs to find his new normal. At first he was really bad. It was like I was looking at a completely new person, who just happened to have a shell that kind of looked like him. It was obvious to everyone that something was wrong. Where was the happy, fun, joking guy we all knew? He was always the one who went out of his way to make others happy. Instead, there was this miserable and detached man in his place.
The days following the break-up were obviously the worse. The bags under his eyes were so prominent and his eyes were blood shot. He didn’t need to tell me, though he did, that he wasn’t sleeping. He was getting a few hours a night because it was so hard to fall and stay asleep. To sleep, he smoked hoping to just pass out before the pain set in. But when he slept, he would dream about you and wake to reality, realizing it was a nightmare and you were gone. I’m not sure if I was supposed to know this or not, but it was said in a side conversation within a conversation, so it’s not like I can un-hear what I heard, but he has cried over you and what you did. He was also making mistakes at work, which was unheard of with him. And he had a hard time focusing on what he was doing. He showed me the cuts on his hands that resulted from breaking things, especially things that were yours.
We didn’t really talk about what happened between you and him, but he did talk to me. I wanted him to know that I was there for him if he needed anything. Over the past few years, he was always there, whether it was to ask me how my day was or to make a bad day seem better. He could always tell if something was wrong. When I went through a rough time a couple of months ago, he made it very clear that he was there if I needed someone. Now it was my turn to play that role and let him know I was here for him.
That was a couple weeks ago. Now he masks the pain through other means. Appearance wise, he looks and acts like nothing is wrong, but deep down I know he is still affected by what happened. He obviously still smokes, whether the amount has changed or not I don’t know. Also if you didn’t know, not that you would care, but he started taking up drinking. It’s not out of control or anything, but it’s new. I remember him saying a while back he didn’t really care for drinking. Now he goes out more frequently to the bar.
I’m not sure what he saw in you all these years, but you are no longer a part of his life. Am I happy for that? I would be lying to myself if I said no. I care about him a lot and just want to see him happy. Would I like to see where our friendship could go? Of course, but I don’t plan on going down that road, at least nowhere in the near future. Right now, all I want to do is be a good friend to him.
But I didn’t write this letter to thank you for letting him go either, hoping that maybe one day I would be his girl and show him just how special he is. Although, some girls would take advantage of that given the situation because he is single. Yes he is now free to move on, but that won’t be for a while. This break-up took a toll on him. I mean how could it not have when you were together for so long. I can only begin to imagine how hard this truly is for him. This is going to affect him for a while and definitely have an impact on him to love again. I don’t expect him to open up and make himself vulnerable in that way for quite some time.
But when the time comes and he is ready to love again, I hope he finds a girl that loves and respects him as much as he does to her. He deserves that and so much more. He is so kindhearted and sweet. He is so personable and friendly that I don’t know of a person who doesn’t like him. He loves to joke around and have a good time because deep down he is a kid at heart. He goes above and beyond when he works. And it’s clear he loves what he does. He’s the type of person, who takes the time to get to know you and make you feel important within a crowd of people. Once he gets to know you, he can tell when something is wrong or if you had a bad day. He is there to listen if you need or will totally change the conversation to take your mind off of it.
Let me tell you, you really lost out on a great guy. I just hope that one day he will find a girl who recognizes, appreciates, and loves all these qualities about him that you couldn’t. Till then, I hope he uses this time to heal and realize his self-worth. Because he is amazing and deserves to be loved by someone who will equally reciprocate those feelings.
From the Girl Who Sees What You Didn’t