Questions I Have For the Caf…

By Taylor Blasko

  1. Why do you make Alfredo everything?

There’s this thing where you’ll serve a food on Tuesday, such as broccoli, and then on Wednesday we get that same broccoli in Alfredo sauce.  Like, Alfredo sauce is honestly a terrible cover up for the fact that your food tastes like cardboard and salt so can you not? Also what the hell is Alfredo lasagna? Because if we’re being honest that’s just you guys using your lasagna noodles and not using any real red sauce.

  1. Speaking of red sauce, why isn’t there any on the pizza? Why is the pizza literally just cheese on bread. Is red sauce too expensive for you? Is all the money I pay for this meal plan really not enough?

And don’t get me wrong, I love cheese, and I love bread. But your cheese has this gag-triggering smell/taste because I’m pretty convinced it’s actually just polyethylene on stale dough.

  1. And while we’re talking about the pizza section, why do the garlic knots have no garlic? And why are they always burnt?
  2. Why does you water taste like chemicals?
  3. Why can you guys only make potato based foods semi-well?

Every type of dish you can think of for your potato and carb needs is served. You got the French fries, mashed potatoes, scalloped potatoes, tater tots, sweet potato fries, mashed sweet potatoes, soy potatoes, breakfast potatoes, baked potatoes, peppered potatoes, plain potatoes, uncooked potatoes, tasteless potatoes, all the potatoes.

  1. Why, every now and then, do you only have yogurt and cottage cheese out at the sandwich station? Am I supposed to make a yogurt sandwich with that bread? But really, all sarcasm aside, why isn’t there lunch meat out?
  3. Why did we get new plates?

Seriously, they have wider rims with less surface area and I can’t fit the foods on it.

  1. Why are the cups so small nowadays?

You only wanted one gulp of that liquid right?

  1. Why are there so many slobs on campus that can’t keep the cotton candy ice cream out of the double fudge ice cream?

You are the people that make me never want to eat ice cream again, thanks a lot assholes.

  1. What happened to the remodeling shit that was promised with a second level?

Empty promises. Oh remodeling? Nah, we just gonna give you new chairs…like that was a priority.

  1. Why do I always get yelled at for just trying to eat food?

It’s not my fault your workers are lazy and don’t serve the food. Because when nobody is behind the counter you better believe I steal the serving utensil from the other side so I can serve myself. I don’t got time to wait around for your shitty food. (On a side note, this would never happen if service was actually standardized, why the hell do I have to guess when I can serve myself and when I can’t. Like what the fuck? It’s a buffet style right? So just let me do itttt)


On a side note, dear Levin Dining Hall, yes I am the one that wrote five comment cards a day last year about how I wanted jalapeño poppers at the caf, so at least you’re doing something right because those jalapeño poppers are poppin.





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